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Dirt Songs

by No Fun Allowed

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1.
not cool 01:53
Diggin' a hole. Diggin' a real deep hole. Ants and spiders, creepy crawly biters. Knock knock. Are you home? Are you clothed. Are you in bed alone. I’ve told you once. I’ve told you twice. I’m not cool. I’m not nice. I’ve told you once. I’ve told you twice. It’s not cool. It’s not nice. So I’m diggin' a hole. I’m diggin' a real deep hole. I need a place to drop my head. I need a place to practice dead. Knock knock. I hope you’re home- I’m coming over and I can’t be alone. I’ve told you once. I’ve told you twice. I’m not cool. I’m not nice. I’ve told you once. I’ve told you twice. It’s not cool. It’s not nice. I said it in the morning: “I feel like I’m not learning.” I said it in the evening: “What is it that I’m feeling?” I said it in the mirror in the shower in the dirt: “I am fine. This is fine. This doesn’t hurt.”
2.
In the morning I won’t brush my teeth or eat my breakfast. In the afternoon I’ll laugh it off. Unimportant. And when night falls and I’m stalled and I’ve crawled on my belly And am starving for progress for any creativity, for anyone to notice me, For any validation that i’m part of this community- I’ll say, “Well, I tried.” Did I? Did I try? Did I try? ...Well yeah, but not very hard. Oh drink me up and wash me down. Put me in the lost and found. Lordy lordy lordy lordy. What a lost and sad and lonely little bumblebee. Buzz buzz buzzing into things. Is this the place that I should be? Oh I see. Another thing that’s not for me. Want to sting you so bad but I can’t. I shouldn’t. You say, “Just do it.” I wish you wouldn’t. Wish you wouldn’t. I wish you wouldn’t. Wish you wouldn’t- wish I wish I wish I would.
3.
Go through periods of incredibly low self-esteem: nothing I say is worthwhile or interesting, anything I have accomplished is negligible. I have no personality. I am not admirable. When I get to heaven- if I make it that far- gonna close my eyes and hum real loud cuz I like it better in the dark. Oh one of these days I'm gonna wake up and be okay. Maybe I'm possessed. Maybe there's a devil in my chest and my downfall is it's quest. Maybe it's just chemistry, and my body betraying me. There's a rain that makes the branches shake, and a healthy respect that makes my knees quake, and a beautiful bird that I can't find. But I think that maybe it is only in my mind. When I get to heaven- if I make it that far- gonna close my eyes and hum real loud cuz I like it better in the dark. Oh one of these days I'm gonna wake up and be okay. One of these days I'm gonna wake up and be okay.

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released June 25, 2016

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No Fun Allowed Worcester, Massachusetts

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